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I’ve been feeding him every four hours or so and, when he’s been full, I’ve been pumping my breasts as often as possible. Rick told me he wanted me to make a lot of milk and I didn’t want to disappoint him. So, I feed him from my breast then pump more milk for him later, I feel like my whole existence is to feed and pump, feed and pump. My boobs are engorged. They’re even bigger now and all this feeding and pumping has made me a milk factory. And I need to pump regularly or after a few hours my boobs really hurt.At first the last thing I wanted was to even think of sex, I was so tired. I’m still tired but now I’ve been thinking of sex more and more. I looked at myself in the mirror for the first time since shortly after the birth and I was happily surprised at what I saw: My belly had shrunk quite a bit and I was good about not overeating during the pregnancy and so I didn’t gain much weight aside from the baby and all this healthy eating and drinking water has helped out. . Big, silent tears were running down my face, and I could almost hear the squeaking hinges of the sealed door to my innermost fears and regrets as it opened slightly. I cried for Rose, for my mother, for myself, for every single tormented soul in the world and for the world in itself. I knew I had a tendency to keep my feelings bottled up, partly because I didn’t know if I’d be able to stop the whirlwind of emotions if I opened myself to them, partly because, as a man, society dictated that I wasn’t supposed to have, or at least not show, my weaker emotions. But by letting those feelings out, joining her in her sorrow, it felt like I was cleansing my soul, that the tears cleaned away my anger, my fear and my sadness. And I was filled with strength, calm and a feeling of absolute rightness. We sat there together in the night, on the stone, by the water, sharing the sorrow, the anger, the helplessness of our lives. It was almost like a slow, silent dance, where my body felt what she.
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